100 Facts About Beth Clarke

Jun 11, 2008 at 8:01 AM
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Top 100 Facts About Beth Clarke

Beth Clarke can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
Beth Clarke can speak braille.
Beth Clarke invented black. In fact, she invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When Beth Clarke goes to donate blood, she declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Beth Clarke is going to walk.
Beth Clarke does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever she goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever she leaves, she leaves a State of Destruction
Beth Clarke was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when she managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Beth Clarke is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why she can only kick through doors.
Giraffes were created when Beth Clarke uppercutted a horse.
Beth Clarke does not sleep. She waits.
Beth Clarke and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
The word "gay" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "He who has not yet been introduced to Beth Clarke."
Beth Clarke can delete the Recycling Bin.
Whenever Beth Clarke plays Chutes and Ladders, she treats the chutes as ladders, because she's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.
Beth Clarke once stated that she "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that Beth Clarke was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.
Beth Clarke sleeps with a night light. Not because Beth Clarke is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Beth Clarke
Beth Clarke doesn't read books. She stares them down until she gets the information she wants.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Beth Clarke says its beef, then it's beef.
On her birthday, Beth Clarke randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Beth Clarke beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.
Beth Clarke is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Beth Clarke's dog is trained to pick up her own poop because Beth Clarke will not take crap from anyone.
When Beth Clarke gives you the finger, she's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Beth Clarke's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Beth Clarke can kill 100 percent of whatever the heck she wants.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Beth Clarke.
On a high school math test, Beth Clarke put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. She got an A+ on the test because Beth Clarke solves all her problems with Violence.
Beth Clarke's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Beth Clarke.
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Beth Clarke laughing at you.
Beth Clarke owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped her win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite her holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
Beth Clarke died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell her.
Beth Clarke always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
Beth Clarke's blood type is WD-40.
Beth Clarke counted to infinity - twice.
If Beth Clarke wants some shade, she stares the sun down until it eclipses.
Beth Clarke can kill two stones with one bird.
Beth Clarke was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Beth Clarke can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.
The last man who made eye contact with Beth Clarke was Ray Charles.
When Beth Clarke plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.
Getting murdered by Beth Clarke counts as a natural cause of death.
Beth Clarke once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Beth Clarke can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Beth Clarke was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Beth Clarke punched herself in the face.
Beth Clarke puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Only once has Beth Clarke ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.
Onions do not make Beth Clarke cry. Beth Clarke makes onions crap themselves.
Beth Clarke's family wraps her holiday presents in lead, so she can't see what's in them.
You are what you eat. That is why Beth Clarke's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
Beth Clarke wears a cup not to protect herself, but to protect the players on the other team.
Beth Clarke destroyed the periodic table, saying Beth Clarke only recognizes the element of surprise.
If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, Beth Clarke wins.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Beth Clarke allows to live.
Beth Clarke is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Beth Clarke.
Beth Clarke once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Beth Clarke and forgot to pay her back.
Beth Clarke doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under Beth Clarke.
What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals Beth Clarke has found too chewy to eat.
Beth Clarke once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give her a speeding ticket, however Beth Clarke still pleads her innocence to this day, stating that she was simply out for a morning jog.
Beth Clarke can slam revolving doors.
Beth Clarke was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
Beth Clarke can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Beth Clarke and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Once a cobra bit Beth Clarke's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Beth Clarke doesn't play "hide-and-seek." She plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Beth Clarke used to beat the crap out of her shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind her.
Beth Clarke is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for her left and right legs.
Beth Clarke can make a paraplegic run for her life.
Beth Clarke sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with her eyes open, and she looks pissed off.
Beth Clarke doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Beth Clarke could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Crop circles are Beth Clarke's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
Beth Clarke has the heart of a child. She keeps it in a small box.
Beth Clarke invented the hammer when she was tired of using her forehead to slam nails into wood.
Superman owns a pair of Beth Clarke pajamas.
When Beth Clarke deletes files from her computer, she doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. She sends them to hell.
Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Beth Clarke's house one Christmas.
Beth Clarke knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).
Beth Clarke irons her shirts while she's wearing them.
Beth Clarke had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere Beth Clarke went the lamb was sure to go. So she killed it.
World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Beth Clarke ate Kobayashi.
Beth Clarke does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Beth Clarke goes killing.
Beth Clarke has beat the crap out of so many people over her brilliant life that most medical journals now classify her as a laxative.
Beth Clarke became a vegetarian not because she loves animals, but because she hates plants.
Beth Clarke is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Beth Clarke has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Beth Clarke played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of Beth Clarke, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.
Weeping Willows are a result of Beth Clarke yelling at trees for not being tough enough.
Beth Clarke can predict the shuffle on her iPod.
Beth Clarke can tie her shoes with her feet.
When Beth Clarke enters a room, she doesn't turn the lights on, she turns the dark off.
Beth Clarke is the only one who can "try this at home."
When Beth Clarke gets pulled over she lets the cop off with a warning.
Circles exist because Beth Clarke beat the crap out of some squares.
Beth Clarke does not know where you live, but she knows where you will die.
Beth Clarke was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
The only time Beth Clarke was wrong was when she thought she had made a mistake.